


The dirt we use to bury ourselves

by Peachrot



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Reunions, Section 31 (Star Trek), Trans Julian Bashir
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23242135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peachrot/pseuds/Peachrot
Summary: Tw: depression, morbid thoughts, lots of sad and awkward sentence structuresDr. Jullian Bashir has finally left section 31, or so he hopes. Moving back in with his old lover, Elim Garak, he hopes to finally cheer himself up and live a life of peace. We all know the cliché, it ain't gonna be so quiet.(This is my first fic on ao3 and the first I've written in awhile so it's pretty bad and exposition heavy tbh)
Relationships: Julian Bashir & Elim Garak, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Kudos: 11





	The dirt we use to bury ourselves

It felt like an eternity, a decade or so. The wait was eating Jullian up, gnawing at every other thought besides his destination. He was free...finally free from his life he had yesterday, the life he had for the past 10 years. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and the world started spinning again. No more blood on his hands, no more phasers, and no more secrets. Funny how years ago Julian adored the idea of being right in the middle of the action, but now it's different. He'd rather just sit down with some tarkanian tea and….him. That was what he was most excited about.  
The ship finally docked, causing jullian to snap out of his daydream and jump to his feet.  
"Welcome to Cardassia prime! Enjoy!" The pilot chirped with enthusiasm. Everyone rushed off the ship, bumping into Julian and sending him back and forth. Soon enough, Julian was the last one left. He tensed up.  
"HEY MORON, BE ON YOUR WAY!"  
The yelling of the pilot was enough to snap Julian back to reality and on his way out. Lowering his luggage, he settled down by a nearby rock and took out his map. It seemed like his destination was going to be farther than expected. Those Damn cheap rides never know where you exactly want to be. Guess that's why they're cheap. 

10 minutes. 30. An hour. Walk, walk, stop,  
walk. 

After an hour of walking, a garden was slowly becoming more clear over the horizon. The more flowers and herbs become more visible. The flowers were too far away and difficult to really full classify, but it didn't matter. What mattered is that they were enough to send him back into a spiral of memories, each one sweeter than the last. He could feel his adrenaline slowly build up the closer he got. The cabin by the garden was definitely cardassian from head to toe, though the colors were a little off-key. Cardassians usually don't have any other color than beige decorating their homes, this one was a warm, deep red. It was definitely Garak's house. Julian got to the door and laid his backpack down and took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.  
"I ALREADY PAID MY TAXES RAMLECH! I SWEAR TO YOU I'M A MODEL CITIZEN!"  
Garak is probably committing tax fraud again.  
"I'm not r… oh what was it? Oh! Ramlech, I'm not Ramlech!"  
Julian heard silence, then multiple objects clattered on to the floor, some of it sounded like glass. Julian could hear multiple locks on the door being opened frantically, he counted about fifteen. Once Garak opened the door, he gawked up at Bashir, who was grinning so intensely that Garak could feel his cardassian heart melting into a puddle. The two men fell into a hug that felt like it lasted for hours. Julian's warm tears danced on Garak's back as his eyes began to water. The hug soon loosened until they were just holding each other's shoulders and laughing through the tears. Julian pulled Garak into a big "I have so much to tell you and I'm going to tell you everything in excruciating detail" kiss. Garak kept his grip on Bashir as he opened the door. They soon let go and laughed a little. Garak's laugh soon turned into his usual tone,  
"Doctor, you're quite unexpected, do pardon my mess...my house is awfully difficult to keep tidy. I find myself forgetting these days."  
"Oh no, it's fine, really! I'm sorry I didn't call ahead or anything...I- I guess I was just too antsy!"  
Garak smiled and began to pick books and knick knacks off the floor, "there was no need, I expected this day to come and have already mentally prepared myself to not be angry with you." Julian's mouth started to hurt from smiling too much. Garak was surprisingly lenient about Julian's arrival, or at least if he's angry he's hiding it pretty well. He could feel himself drift into a small sigh. It's been so long and he's probably already falling back into garak's tricks again.  
"I...I need to grab my things from outside…"  
"Your things? Oh…. dear, please do not tell me you plan on staying with me on Cardassia!"  
"Depends if you'll let me!" 

It was getting dark, and Garak was making dinner. Julian leaned back in a dining room chair with his feet perched up on the dining table, and looked around his surroundings. There were paintings of various movements Julian only recognized by his small time reading up on cardassian arts, most of them were not necessarily aesthetically appealing of course. Though for the most part they had interestingly morbid subjects. Dried flowers were hung from the wall along with photos of various people and places, a few from ds9 of people julian recognized.  
"Feet off the table Jullian! Unless you want to eat on all that sand you tracked in!" Garak yelled from the kitchen. Jullian jolted up in his chair, "Sorry! Guess I'm not used to sitting properly!" Garak rolled his eyes and passed julian a floral China plate and some utensils. "Better be careful with that plate! It was gifted to me by Captain Sisko years ago!"  
"Sisko gave you plates? He never gave me anything!"  
Garak laughed and took the Iriki buns off the fire, "That's because he owed me, deeply."  
"What could he possibly owe you, Elim?"  
"Ah, many, many favors you can't even fathom."  
"And he gave you a china set for your troubles?"  
Garak poured some tarkanian tea into a cup and passed it to jullian, "I'm a simple man doctor, I appreciate a good floral decorated china plate."  
Julian picked up the plate and studied it. It can't just be a normal plate! No way would Sisko give Garak "just some China plates" for doing all these "simple favors."  
Maybe one of the plates had something engrained in it, or maybe there's a tracker on one of them! Julian soon realized how stupid he was for falling for garak's oldest tricks, and laid the plate down.  
"Oh, dear, you seem to have forgotten many things about me! To think it took you so long all those years ago to almost figure me out and now you've…" Garak took a breath, "...forgotten"  
Jullian looked up at Garak who was looking back at him, worry in his eyes.  
"Now..there's the big question, doctor…."  
Garak dropped what he was doing and looked jullian dead in the eyes.  
"Where have you been for so long?"

Jullian scrubbed all of the Ikri bun off his plate, being sure to be gentle around the design. He couldn't help but wander off in his thoughts as he rinsed the plate off under the water. This didn't feel right. It was supposed to feel right. He was away from section 31 and with the one person he cared for most...though that oddly wasn't enough to convince him he was fine. Running away from peril and expecting to be treated like nothing happened….that gets you nowhere. Happiness isn't just bought by cowardice. The water in the sink was beginning to burn his hand.  
"Dear, are you alright?" Garak asked on his way to the hallway,  
"Yes! I'm just tired that's all."  
"Good, I'm getting ready for bed right now, I suggest you do the same,"  
Julian nodded and gently placed the plate back in the hyposink and turned off the water. 

"Elim, do you have a razor of sorts?"  
"No! And if I did I wouldn't let you have it! That beard is too precious to slaughter!"  
Bashir smiled and took one last look in the mirror, his beard didn't look too bad, a little scruffy, but, if garak liked it then it's probably a big fashion statement or something.  
He turned the bathroom light off and went back into garak's room. Garak was sitting up and reading something on his PADD, no doubt some sort of political mystery drama. He lowered his PADD and looked up at jullian, who was in his nightwear (more like night pants).  
"Y-you...the scars healed"  
"Well...they're supposed to do that, Garak."  
"Yes, but, it's just….dear, it's been so long...I've missed a lot. How does it feel? I know this was a huge deal for you"  
"Right. Like it was meant this way."  
"Of course."  
Julian stood there for a second, reminded now of his long absence. He and garak hadn't seen each other in at least 10 years, give or take….he wasn't too sure. Julian knew that Garak was hiding his frustration, he never knows how to tell the truth, or rather, he doesn't want to. Julian always found this rather annoying when he was younger, but now with his age he has found a deeper beauty in it. He looked at garak, who had now returned to his PADD. Julian's eyes started to water. His nose started to drip as tears streamed down his face the 4th time this day. He somehow couldn't stop. Garak slowly threw his PADD aside and got up from the bed. Julian melted into sobs  
"I-im so...sorry I…"  
"Shhhhh…"  
"I d..don't know how...how I'm going to explain or how I can tell y-you…."  
"Breathe, dear,"  
"I don't know anything. I-I don't know how to assure myself and-and I allowed myself to just be o-overcome with disgusting work...you missed my chest he-healing...you missed...my b-birthdays….you missed it all! And I di-didn't….i tried to...I…."  
"Please, breathe dear! Take a second! Please."  
Jullian slowed down and forced himself to take a deep breath.  
"Stay here, I'll grab you some water and something to wipe your nose with," Garak hurried over to the kitchen. Julian tried to recollect himself, but it was no use. Everything had crashed down around him, leaving him to feel trapped in a whirlwind of confusing emotions. He had been practicing for years to keep everything bottled up ever since his augmentation was revealed. Of course, sometimes the cork popped open (usually thanks to anger and garak's detective skills). The cork was definitely no doubt gone, and all his emotions were spilling out through garak's floorboards. He should've known this would happen...that he wouldn't last that long with garak without falling into a wallowing ball of pity. He thought he could just come and live with dear garak and never recall what he did for section 31. What he saw at section 31, whose blood warmed his fingertips at section 31, what things he learned through the walls of section 31. Just section 31 in all of its twisted realities, he'd wish nothing more than to forget it. All of it.  
Garak came back in with a cup of water and some colorful rags, "sorry about the rags, they're all I could find, you know cardassia and their love for rags that feel like sandpaper." Julian chuckled a little bit.  
"I-im sorry…" he sniffed. Garak took his hand, his sharp and warm eyes heavy with concern.  
"I-I really screwed up! Par-pardon my outbutst but that's what I did...I screwed it all up!   
"I let myself be contorted by everything and it's all so much i… I'm so sorry… I should've called you or-or wrote to you! But I just tortured myself more than my actions ever could...I feel horrible and disgusting what i..I did...and I should've called you and told you but...I was trying to punish myself..I guess...I just couldn't believe how long I was a political puppet and thought nothing of it. Oh dear, dear, d-dear! You've been so overwhelmingly kind i- I don't deserve this! I left you living alone...I let our relationship be in the blue once you left, i should've kept calling and being in t-touch...I..I'm so sor-"  
"Shhh...stop saying sorry, it's fine, I get it,"  
"Y-you do? I thought you'd be mad once I came back...you know. I thought you'd clearly be mad about how we haven't talked in years or anything...but we've just acted like nothing happened- I'm surprised you let me kiss you!"  
Garak looked down at the floor and sighed, "When you live alone on cardassia with your only friends being some flowers and the tax collector-" he looked up at Bashir, "You start getting less frustrated at unexpected visitors at your door."  
Julian smiled a bit, "heh….thank you.. I don't know how to thank you really,"  
"You can thank me by telling me what happened at section 31, that is, if you can at the moment." Jullian tensed up. Garak's right, he has been very vague about the organization, it was where Julian had been all this time, after all. He took a deep breath,  
"Section 31 is a horrible organization, that's o-one thing for sure. I felt like I was doing the right thing- I don't even really recall why I joined in the first place, or if I joined voluntarily. But it was horrible, E-Elim! All these people were said to be criminals in the future, yet they weren't doing anything. The attack on Mars happened- and then I couldn't take it anymore. They wanted me for my...augmentation...that's all. They wanted me there to take advantage of what my parents destroyed me with and exploited it. All missions weren't directed at me, they were directed at my DNA. IT MAKES ME SO FRUSTRATED...i'm sorry...I killed so- so many innocents for the good of the federation...that's what I was told and briefed over and over it was all for 'peacekeeping'. Then the federation...and romulus, attack on mars… it was enough to snap me out of it. I guess after the dominion war, i felt overcome by so much patriotism, I must've- I messed up elim...i really freaking messed up...i...can still see them. Every single one of them writhing on the floor, choking on their own blood...the blood that I shed...for the federation. I feel...dirty. I tried so many times to…..to..."  
"To...what, dear?"  
"...end...m-me." Julian was now running out of tears. He could feel the world stop spinning has garak held his hand harder and started to tear up, "oh-oh dear….I am...so sorry...I…I'm sorry you had to go through any of that '' Garak pulled Julian into a tight hug. They hugged for what felt like hours. "I am so sorry...Julian...I promise it'll be alright."

**Author's Note:**

> I have not read any of Andy Robinson's books yet, so my cardassia setting may be off compared to how its described! Most of cardassia and the cardassian lifestyle is based off Bashir's perspective (not first person if that makes any blooming sense) so, there's a more human explanation for most things!


End file.
